Mark Peters is a language columnist and lexicographer who loves collecting fanciful words, old and new. His book Yada, Yada, Doh! entertainingly chronicles words and phrases that made the leap from television to everyday speech, and his blog Wordlustitude celebrates bizarre online coinages like trouserwad, dumbitudinous, and toaster whisperer. Mark also collects euphemisms, those circumlocutions we use to soften the harsh realities of life. We asked Mark to tell us about some of the more intriguing under-the-radar euphemisms he's come across.

To paraphrase Homer Simpson: Euphemisms. Is there anything they can't do?

Though stand-up comedians and sit-down civilians love to make fun of euphemisms for their painful, Elaine-like dances around the truth, I prefer to focus on the sunny side of these words. I see the euphemism glass as not only half-full, but half-sunshine, half-puppies, and half-chocolate ice cream — with half sprinkles too.

I mean, come on. Would you want to live in world full of trash, stripping, assassination, and war — but no trash items, wardrobe malfunctions, regime changes, or widescale military operations?

Don't save me a seat!

As part of an ongoing celebration of the euphemism, here are a few not-so-well-known nuggets I've rescued from the dark dungeons of the English language. Readers are encouraged to use these words with wild abandon and your outside voice in any situation: No one will know what you're talking about anyway.

sleep adjustment

If Torture Euphemisms, Inc. were a publicly traded company, their rising stock — buoyed by harsh techniques, alternative interrogation techniques, aggressive interrogation methods, and stress positions — would probably have saved the economy. There's been an astounding number of new euphemisms for torture, and here's a subtle one: sleep adjustment. In many households and dialects, the addition of a comforting teddy bear or fluffy second pillow could be accurately labeled a sleep adjustment, but in this case, adjustment is code for deprivation. This term may have been raised in the same barn as adjustment center, which the Oxford English Dictionary defines as "part of a prison reserved for the solitary confinement of refractory or unstable prisoners."

felgercarb

The list of synonyms for BS or nonsense is large enough to choke a whale: fiddle-faddle, twaddle, malarkey, truthiness, bosh, hokum, and balderdash are just a few members of a word category that performs heroic duty, particularly during election years. So if you need a fresh BS synonym, why not look back to the old Battlestar Galactica. The 70's version had no fancy fembots or growling Edward James Olmos, but it contributed more than just a preposterous looking robo-dog called a daggit. In addition to the now widely used frak, felgercarb was a term for BS that debuted in the pilot episode, "Saga of a Star World" (written by Glen A Larson, Sept. 17, 1978), when Starbuck has this discussion with Cassiopeia — a socialator, the BG word for prostitute — about an upcoming mission:

Cassiopeia: Why did you volunteer, Starbuck?
Starbuck: Well, somebody had to do it.
Cassiopeia: Did Apollo make you?
Starbuck: Yes, you certainly have a way of cutting through the felgercarb.

Felgercarb has never appeared on the new show, and it's kept alive mainly by old fans on message boards. Thanks to the gods of Google, it has been revealed that two blogs are felgercarbically named: Dr. Lizardo's Felgercarb and Frack and Felgercarb!

thought showers

Frankly, this one seems as made-up as felgercarb — or maybe more like the old knee-slapper about calling a manhole a personhole. But on at least on two occasions, creative minds have decided that brainstorming was a term offensive to epileptics: first in Ireland in 2005, and then in England this year by the Turnbridge Wells Borough Council. To date, even the full resources of the Batcave cannot locate evidence of an epileptic agreeing that the term is harmful. As for myself, I prefer to think of the mind as a neuro-spatula, and new ideas as pancakes to be flipped and shared with the community, drenched in delicious cerebral syrup.

this side of the table

Speaking of breakfast, the other day I was reflecting upon bacon, eggs, and spiritual matters when a mother with three young children sat near my booth. Thankfully, this fam was kind enough to bring a euphemism, courtesy of the mom, who had to clean up after spilled water, spilled soup, and — that enduring classic — spilled milk, a hat trick of whoopsies committed by her three-ish looking son. The euphemism arrived when the frazzled maternal unit said to the waitress, "We're having a little trouble on this side of the table," as she sheepishly nodded to the puddle-happy lad. 

My wish to all readers is this: that on whatever side of the table you drink or wear your beverages, you have a mother who is so kind.


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Wednesday August 27th 2008, 1:53 AM
Comment by: Tod P.
I keep thinking of, I think it was "The grinch That Stoled Christmas." The part in the dialog where they called the out house "the euphemism." Our family now uses that word a lot. Especially seeing that we have a 10 year old.
Very good article, thank you.
Wednesday August 27th 2008, 9:09 AM
Comment by: Victor
I did not realize the politically correct (is that an euphemism too?) crowd had felt offended with the term "brainstorm". This made me laugh this morning. Oh well, back to work, I need to have some "thought sprinkle" to get going. ;)

Thank you.
Wednesday August 27th 2008, 12:50 PM
Comment by: Mark P. (Chicago, IL)Visual Thesaurus Contributor
Tod-- I have a friend who just calls the bathroom "the euph". Maybe that comes from the Grinch... Thanks for the tip!
Wednesday August 27th 2008, 3:02 PM
Comment by: Roger Dee (Haslett, MI)Top 10 Commenter
This is what I love about the English language.
It can be whatever you want it to be. It is so flexible, robust, and enormously massive.
Too bad more intellectuals are locked into that "serious" mode that prevents the Joy of Life.
Great Article!
Wednesday August 27th 2008, 7:57 PM
Comment by: languagenut
I wonder if inhabitants of the village by the name "Intercourse" in Pennsylvania ever make fund of their hometown name with euphemisms.
Thursday August 28th 2008, 9:03 PM
Comment by: Jane B. (Winnipeg Canada)Top 10 Commenter
As one who grew up (if I can claim to have done so) in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, I can take an educated guess that the question, "Where did YOU come from?" causes some giggles or consternation -- if one comes from that lovely town!
Tuesday February 17th 2009, 12:37 PM
Comment by: Clarence W.
Oliver Sacks in his book, Musicophilia, discusses the epilepsy-like characteristics of musical hallucinations. He notes that "Victorian physicians used the vivid term 'brainstorms' to apply not only to epilepsies but to migraines, hallucinations, tics, nightmares, manias, and excitements of all kinds."

Still doesn't explain why epileptics would be offended by the term, but at least provides a Victorian era connection between the term and the affliction.

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